What Men Say, What Women Hear by Dr. Linda Papadopoulos

Author:Dr. Linda Papadopoulos
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Simon and Schuster
Published: 2008-07-15T00:00:00+00:00

What’s happening here is that Barry perceives a sudden threat to his independence. The relationship is great, he is serious about her, and he has no interest in leaving her for anybody else. But the mention of moving in brings with it thoughts of marriage and being tied down, and that is too much for Barry to handle. Thus he hears her suggestion as nagging and views it as an attempt to trap him into something he’s not ready for. Since Lisa thinks moving in together is a positive step, Barry’s resistance is seen as him not liking her and not wanting to be in the relationship. Of course, neither of these perceptions is correct, but the way we are socialized means that Lisa is likely to feel more positively about these levels of commitment and Barry is more likely to associate them with loss and restriction.

GREAT EXPECTATIONS

Unfortunately, the potential for conflict doesn’t end as soon as you’ve made that crucial initial decision to move in together. Oh no, because moving in with a partner is a big deal. If a couple decides to bite the bullet and go for it, chances are they’ve both put a great deal of thought into it. And in turn, this means that they’ve probably got very definite expectations about what living together will be like. And while you’re picturing candlelit dinner parties, he’s wondering if the extra bedroom can be made into a game room.

Of course our happiness with our living setup doesn’t just come from meeting our own expectations; it also comes from having expectations that are similar to those of our partner. If you and your partner are expecting hugely different things from living together, somewhere along the line, one or both of you are going to be let down.

But why would two people of similar age and similar interests have such varying views on how a romantic love nest should operate? Well, once again the home you grew up in colors your view of how you would like your own home to be, from small issues such as whether or not you remove your shoes at the door to how much privacy people should give one another. Plus, our views on conflict resolution, division of labor, and closeness are all shaped by our early and unique experiences of living at home.

Some families place emphasis on openly discussing problems, while others encourage avoiding conflict altogether. If your boyfriend grew up in a house where his mom did all the housework, he won’t be used to getting his hands dirty doing “woman’s” work. Because our childhood home is the first environment we familiarize ourselves with, the lessons we learn here can stick for life.

Sidney and Anita have just moved in together. Sidney comes from a very traditional Greek family. His mother takes great pride in caring for her four sons and husband and relishes the cooking, cleaning, and fussing it entails. On the other hand, Anita was raised by her mother, an

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